Roll up, roll up
Join me on the medication trolley
I’ve been on it for years
I’ve been Largactiled with bitter syrup
I’ve been Pimozided & Mellarilled & numbed
I was so Stelazined I was like a cat on a hot tin roof
I’ve been Modectated into a shuffle
& Clozapined into a stupor
I was Seranaced to sleep
& Abilifyed to sleeplessness
When I was Risperidoned I lactated like a cow
They Cogentined me to stop the look ups but I kept looking up
I was Lithiumed & Epilimed to even my pendulum
I’ve been Imipramined, Prothiadened, Lexaproed
Effexored & Zolofted to happiness
I was Valiumed & Ativaned into tranquillity
Now I’m Zyprexaed & ravenous & fuzzled
I’m Lamotrigined & balanced
& Seroquelled
Yes indeedy, I’m medicated & dedicated to
The medication trolley
Here’s looking at you pill bottles.



Hello, do you have a Big Mac delusion
or a Cheese Burger delusion?
is that one voice with grandiose ideas
or two voices of persecution?
have you spent all your savings
& bought three new Ferraris & a Rolls lately
& slept with every Tom, Dick & Jane?
are you self harming or
feeling unremitting misery?
then drive thru the fastpsychiatry ward
we’ll have you McDiagnosed,
treated, medicated & McSane
in two shakes of a pill bottle
& by the way, if your suicidal threats
are only attention seeking
leave now because you are wasting our time
McSanity is our business.

Now that you are here
terms & conditions apply
you can only stay a few days
but don’t worry we’ll get you McSane
before you can say
can I have some compassion with that?
we’ll give you drugs that will fatten you up
kill your libido
make you dribble & constipated
turn you into a zombie
sedate to you to exhaustion
eventually bring on diabetes
cardiovascular disease
& premature death
but we’ll have you out of here like shit off a shovel
even if you’re still mad
because there’ll be someone madder who will need your bed
but don’t worry we’ll give you a McHappy Pack
full of pharmaceutical goodies
free of charge to take with you
& just to make sure you are somewhere in the system
& can’t do a runner & not get treatment
we’ll slap a Community Treatment Order on you
& we’ll offer you McTherapy
to help you cope with isolation
unemployment, poverty & rejection
we’ll have you McSane if it kills you.

& now for some McTherapy
hello $150.99c
how are the voices today? $295.99c
keep taking the medication $380.99c
here’s a prescription $525.99c
see you in 6 months $945.99c

So, he’s McSane & out of the bin
& back in your care
how wonderful that you can experience
a deep emotional fulfilment
by looking after your psychotic son 24/7
with no support & no resources
while you hold down a job &
try to keep the rest of your family happy
& your marriage intact &
not lose your friends
don’t worry if you can’t cope when he is
threatening to kill himself
the CAT team might pop in a couple of times a day
just to make sure things are okey-doke
you’ll survive the other 23 hours
of worry & stress & doing the best you can
in an impossible situation because
you always do & because you love him
& if you are desperate you can have some McTherapy too
because your McSanity is important.

It’s a McMad world
everyone has forms to fill in & boxes to tick
i’s to dot & t’s to cross
performance requirements to meet
risk assessments to make
& pressure, pressure, pressure
Fastpsychiatry is the name of this game
Ah, McSane we’ve done it again.

© Sandy Jeffs 2012

Sandy Jeffs is an Australian poet and community educator. Her memoir Flying with Paper Wings: Reflections on Living with Madness, published by Vulgar Press, was SANE book of the Year in 2010. You can read more of her poems and essays on this site here.


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